Passion or Contentment

Passion or Contentment? Which is more important to have in a relationship? Is it more essential to have the racing heart...the butterflies in the stomach...the feeling of absolute bliss when you are with your significant other? Or to be comfortable and easy? If you can't have both...which is more important? The reason I ask these questions is probably obvious...I am in a situation where I need to decide these things myself. I welcome your input as I try muddling through this.

First of all let me start by saying, there is no "other guy". Just me trying to decide if my current relationship is the right one. I am what you would call an "alpha female". I'm strong, opinionated, and fiercely independent. However, I am also very spiritual. So I guess you could say I am not your typical "alpha female". I believe that I should not influence others into being decent people or making the choices that I see as the right one. I believe in free will. Guidance is okay...strong arming is taking away the choice of the other person. I've been divorced now for 9 years and have had plenty of time to get to know myself. I'm comfortable being alone and I know I don't "need" to be in a relationship. When I am in a relationship, I'm in it because I enjoy being with that person.

For years I have looked for the "alpha male" to be my partner in life. Someone strong enough to "rule" beside me...if that makes sense. I've always resisted the passive men. Believe it or not, I've resisted them because I believe I am protecting them from my more dominate nature. Which takes us back the the "free will" thing. I don't want to make their decisions for them. I want them to be happy in their own life without my strong influence. So, for about 3 years now I've had a male friend who is passive in nature. He is a good man. Very loving and supportive of those in his life. For 3 years he has made it clear to me that I am the one he wants in his life romantically...and I resisted. However, about 5 months ago I had a dream that I was trying to escape a situation and he was by my side through the whole thing. He didn't try guiding me out of the situation, just was there quietly supporting me through it all. When I woke up I re-evaluated my relationship with him. I came to realize that although he is not a leader by nature, he strength is in the support he offers. So I thought maybe I was looking at this the wrong way. Maybe as an "alpha" I needed the supportive nature of the subservient male...as opposed to "locking horns" with another "alpha". So I agreed to beginning a relationship with him. I accepted my role as the leader and his role as support. Let me also just say here that we have a lot of common interests. We've always enjoyed our time together. So jumping into a romantic relationship wasn't difficult. In fact the most difficult part for me has been the physical side of the relationship. There is no passion...only contentment. Hence the title of this blog. But I was committed completely to this relationship and being content and comfortable is not bad. Until recently...now things are getting a little irritating for me and I'm doubting my decision. I know all relationship go through this phase. The question is...is this something that can be worked out or is this the wrong relationship for both of us? For the sake of privacy, I will name him "Harris".

Harris is also divorced. We both have children. His children live with him full-time. However, the custody agreement is that he has them half-time. His ex-wife lives no more than the length of a football field away from him. On the same property. Harris and the children live in his father's home and the ex and her boyfriend live in Harris's house. Weird, right? Well, I accepted that about him and I understand that he wants the children to be able to have both of their parents. What I have a problem with is the fact that he is still paying her $700 a month in "child support"...not to mention paying bills for her when she's getting shut off. For example, her water bill. She works part-time and her boyfriend doesn't work at all. Now his father has decided to move out of state, leaving Harris to support both households. He can't financially do that. So he asks the ex if they can adjust the child support...she says no and in fact wants more child support (for children that she doesn't even care for). Well, for the 3 years he and I have been friends I have strongly suggested he keep track of everything. All the days/nights he has the children. The doctor appointments he takes off work to take them to, the school functions he takes off work for, the registration fees, clothes...you get the idea. He has done that. So now its time to go back to court. Should be cut and dry, right? No. He has done nothing but whine and cry over the whole thing. He doesn't want to do this. He would rather just continue to support her and her boyfriend then go to court. He says his evidence is all "hearsay". I tell him that it is not. That he has witnesses. For example, his father, neighbors, school, doctors, and even the children (who are 13 and 10). He says no that he will not let his children be questioned by the courts. That they are children and that their childhood should be problem-free. I gently explain to him that the court has trained professionals who deal with this kind of situation everyday. This does not change his perceptive on the matter and his is absolutely terrified that he has made the wrong decision by taking her to court. As an "alpha", I am absolutely angered over the fact that he is willing to let his ex and her boyfriend repeatedly take advantage of him. I am furious over the fact that I feel like he is a coward and that I feel that he is teaching his children to let people walk all over them as well. I have expressed all that to him (with the exception of the coward part). He says that he isn't going to back out of this but at the same time he isn't able to harness his fear either. This is just one example of the difficulties we are going through. What this boils down to is that he is passive-aggressive. His way of dealing with an issue is to not deal with it at all and if he must...well then he whines and pouts. This does not sit well with me. There are many more issues within our relationship but they all come back to his passive-aggressive personality. So can an "alpha" and a "passive-aggressive" have a romantic committed relationship? Or is it doomed? Is this something that can be worked out or would it be best to try to go back to friends? As I said in the beginning...Passion or Contentment? Which is more important to have in a relationship? Is it more essential to have the racing heart...the butterflies in the stomach...the feeling of absolute bliss when you are with your significant other? Or to be comfortable and easy? If you can't have both...which is more important? Because there is no passion...but there is definite contentment when things are good. Is it worth fighting for? Or will I constantly be fighting for basic contentment?